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My font got screwed up in the last post and I've spent 15 minutes trying to get it back to normal. I even edited the HTML. For some reason it won't allow me to save the changes. So you're screwed. You must read it in the boring Arial font.

Great Ideas

When I get bored, I search for random crazy things on the web. With an interest in patent law, my new hobby is to search for crazy patents that have been issued. I did a random google search for funny patents and stumbled across some websites that list outlandish patents.

This patent - Original...yes. Crazy...yeah, well that too. Go to the USPTO site yourself (http://patft.uspto.gov/netahtml/PTO/search-bool.html), then enter 7,122,000 in the "Term 1" field and select "Patent Number" from the drop down box in "Field 1". Once it shows you a summary of the patent, you can click on the "Images" link to view the patent application and the actual drawings.

Okay, so I'm sure you were too lazy to follow my instructions. Let me explain this one. It's basically a patent for a sex toy. After reading the description, I've come to the conclusion that this is a bong for the hoo-hoo. How in the world do people come up with this crap? I think I have the answer to this one. Here is my hypothesis:

After getting home from school while Mom and Pop are still at work, the kids get out the bong and jack some of Dad's stash. They go to the garage, huff some gasoline, snort some sweet tarts, take a few hits of LSD, and light up Bobo the Bong. Then comes the wild idea. One kid says, "Hey, I bet your sister uses this bong to stimulate her hoo-hoo." The other kid says, "Shut up and take your turn." The genius in the group then says, "Nah, really doods. We should patent a hoo-hoo bong." The idea gets leaked and the porn industry grabs a hold of the idea. Next thing you know, it's the newest item in stock at the local Adult Emporium. And someone makes a fortune. Who said only scientists come up with these novel patent ideas?

For hire

As I sit back and try to figure out where in the world I'll end up after law school, one thing crosses my mind...I'll miss this place. There is something about this city that just grabs you by the balls and won't loosen up on the grip. It's the most amazing city in the country, regardless of the negative views of those that have never been here have about it, or those views from people who visited for a weekend and never left the French Quarter. I've lived in L.A. for a period of my life. Cool. Big City. Lots of things to do. But...it doesn't match up. I've also lived in the sticks of Tennessee. Small town. Peaceful. No crime. But not a whole of shit to do and the people are always worried about what everyone else is up to...it doesn't match up. I've visited Vegas and did the Vegas thing. Fun - yes. But...it doesn't match up. This place...it's ideal for the attorney lifestyle.

How many cities allow you to carry an open beer out on the street? Better yet, how many cities have bars that are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year? How many cities have bars that have stacks of plastic cups waiting at the door in case you want to take your beer with you? How many cities have such a wicked culture? Such great food? Weird-ass people intermingled with the poor, intermingled with the rich, intermingled with the hippies, intermingled with the coon-asses, intermingled with the hippie killers, intermingled with the average everyday middle-class citizen? As they say, it's the smallest big city in the world. The entertainment is to die for. Whether it be a night out on Bourbon Street, kicking back at one of the hundreds of live music venues, or just chilling at one of the thousands of local pubs bitching about how Hurricane Katrina took everything we inherited from grandma.

Unfortunately, the type of law that I want to practice doesn't have much of a presence in this city. Therefore, I'm going to have to go elsewhere when I finish law school. Fortunately that day is still well over a year away. Meanwhile, I have time to live it up and soak it in.

Priority Letter costs $4.80...believe me, it sucks

I got a rejection the other day from one of the firms that I recently interviewed with out of town. They stated that they were not currently in a position to offer any summer positions due to the economy, and blah, blah, blah, and all that other crap. Whether they are straight shooters or just feeding me a load of horse shit, it doesn't really matter. A rejection is a rejection. They all suck no matter how it's sugar coated. They said that they would revisit their hiring needs when it gets closer to the summer and if they were in a position to offer me something at that point, then they'd give me a call. I almost believe them. It's the first rejection in which someone has actually called me on the phone to deliver the verdict. It's more genuine to hear it directly than to open up that dreaded envelope delivered to my mailbox. After receiving the "official" you-suck-and-can't-work-for-us notification by mail, another envelope found its way into my mailbox. I thought, "Hmmm. They already sent me one rejection letter. I don't need a second one. I get the point." Then...like any curious person that doesn't want to open bad news and would just prefer to toss the mail in the garbage...I hold the envelope up to the sunlight and notice that it doesn't contain an 8.5 X 11. What could this be? I open it up and hot-diggity-damn, it's a check for 200 bucks. I need to start scheduling interviews for every Friday.

A little note about rejection letters...if you're interviewing someone and you send a rejection letter because they don't meet your needs, there is no need to beat around the damn bush. State it bluntly. This goes for all professions, not just the legal arena.

Since all of the law firm rejection letters are nearly identical, why waste my time with flowery language. Instead of 2 or 3 paragraphs stating how they are glad that I'm interested in the firm and how my qualifications are so outstanding and how they know I'll continue to do great in pursuing my legal education and how I'll be successful once I enter practice and...

Enough of that. Get to the point so I can read my next homework assignment. Something like this would work better:

Dear Mr. Unqualified:
Thank you for interviewing with our firm, but you're not good enough to work for us.
Buh-Bye

What about milk jugs?

Funny story...On my way to class this morning, I parked about 6 blocks away to avoid getting a ticket in the "Residential Parking" zone from the meter maids. During my stroll to class I noticed a Penske (U-Haul-like) truck creeping down the street. As I approached the truck I noticed the driver looking at me as if he was guilty of something. Then I noticed that he had the back door of the truck open with two people jumping in and out of the back as they ran to and from the recycling bins at each residence. They were picking up cans and bagging them up. With the unemployment rate increasing, I guess this is a new innovative method of grabbing a few extra bucks to help ease the financial burden of crack-cocaine purchases.

I'm not aware of any "aluminum-can theft" regulations regarding residential recycling bins. Is it theft if you leave something on the street in a trash bin and someone comes by and reaps the benefits? I doubt it, but then again I don't really know. After all, one man's trash is another man's treasure. How about invasion of privacy? I seriously doubt that anyone has a privacy interest in unbagged trash. Would it make a difference whether the cans were already bagged? What if the trash can is sitting halfway on the sidewalk and halfway in the driveway? Is it trespass? Do signs need to be posted? See what kind of questions go through my head now that I'm in law school.

As a side note concerning meter maids...These folks are quick to write a ticket for parking too long in residential zones, especially when it comes to taking advantage of the law students being in class. One of the buildings at the law school has a restaurant and tables for people to study at. Often times I see meter maids sitting in the lobby area trying to catch a break from the heat outside. Someone (I assume it was a fellow law student) taped a sign on the lobby wall saying, "Attention meter-maids: No parking here. Please leave." Now that's clever.

BBQ festival

As if this city is really that boring...

Nonetheless, with all of the different crap to do on a late weekend night, a group of law students decide to pass up Voodoo Fest, Haunted Houses, and the random trip to Bourbon Street to go watch a house burn. That's what we do in law school. Or at least that's what we do in our spare time. A group of my law school friends decided to pass up on a Haunted House trip and just hit a bar a two. While leaving one of the bars, one guy in our group stated, "Hey, where are all these firetrucks going? Oh, crap! There are flames down the road. Let's go check it out." So, that was the entertainment for the evening. As we're walking down the road, another guy said, "You know what's great about this city? At home I wouldn't have been allowed to carry my Jack & Coke outside of the bar to walk down the road to watch the fire department extinguish a fire. I don't know what I'll do once I take a job in a normal city." When we arrived at the scene, there was a crowd consisting of well over 100 people. Of those people, I'd say 75 had drinks with them. So we stood around and watched the fire department try to contain the fire as it started to spread to neighboring houses. The local paper reported it to be a 4-alarm fire. Apparently it was an arson. It was quite amazing watching the fire department break out the hook and ladders. The funny thing about the whole situation (if watching a fire could be funny...thinking about it morally) was how people would make trips to and from the closest bar just so they had beverages for the popular attraction.

Technology and its downside

According to some website that I stumbled upon (don't remember which), internet usage in the law school classroom is being prohibited at some schools. The article mentions that students tend to surf the web instead of paying attention in class. Duh! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. Some schools even claim that students were surfing porn in the classroom. Now that's just funny. That takes some balls. I guess the big question becomes "Should internet usage be allowed in classrooms?" Why not? If someone wants to whack his willie instead of taking notes, then that's his choice. At least I, by paying attention, will likely get a better grade than that student. The internet is often useful during class. It allows me to quickly look up a case in one of the online legal databases if it is mentioned but not covered in class. It also gives me the opportunity to quickly look up those crazy legalese terms that never seem to make sense. I won't be a happy camper if they disallow internet usage in my classroom.

NFL prospects

Just recently, there was an old lady who discovered a football in her front yard. She refused to return the ball to the neighborhood kids that apparently caused it to land in her front yard. The parents of one of the kids filed suit claiming that the old lady stole the football and failed to return it. Although this wasn't part of the article that I read, the big question is whether she should be charged for not returning the football. I haven't done the whole criminal law thing yet, but let's discuss what she could possibly be liable for.

First, the ball was in her yard without her consent. So I say, "Screw the kids, it's hers." At the same time, the question becomes "Does she have to return the ball?". I say no. It landed in her yard and therefore becomes her property. Does a neighbor have to return "what was" the property of a neighbor prior to the ball landing in her yard? Is this some sort of servitude where she is obligated to return the ball and allow the kids to enter her property to retrieve it? This sounds like a stupid hypothetical that all parents would claim to be ridiculous. However, it seems to be something that may occur in an everyday neighborhood. It all boils down to what the jury seems to be reasonable. I'm leaving this for you people to think about and then we'll address the issue at a later date.

I have to do some research to determine what the Court would hold. I'll get back to you on this.

Swimming at the rec center

I have a rather funny case for you. It's the Supreme Court decision often referred to as the Christian Burial Speech. This mentally ill patient (for those that would prefer me to use a more demeaning term...retard) had recently bolted from a mental facility. He was at the YMCA where he abducted some young girl, covered her up in a blanket (or something like that), and then carried her out to his vehicle. To top things off, he requested help from another kid to help open the door to his vehicle. The kid noticed feet dangling from the blanket and then alerted the parents who were in search of their missing daughter. The police were then notified. The nut bag was later arrested. He invoked his Constitutional right to the assistance of counsel. The police were instructed to transport him to another facility, but were told not to question him. During the transport, one of the officer's took advantage of the not-so-intelligent man knowing that he was very sensitive to religion. The officer made some speech about how it sure would be nice if they knew where the body was so that her family could have a Christian burial. The dude then led the police to the body.

The question for the court was whether this was a violation of his Miranda rights, namely the right to counsel. The more narrow question was whether this conversation amounted to an interrogation or just a casual conversation. The man filed a motion to suppress the evidence based on a violation of his Constitutional privilege. The Supreme Court ultimately held that this was a violation of his Constitutional privilege; however, the Court held that the body would have been found anyway during police investigation and therefore the physical evidence was admitted.

Elimination techniques

Saturday morning I attended a 3-hour skills course that basically discussed the fitness and character requirements necessary for the practice of law. They discussed things that would get you in trouble with the disciplinary office and what acts are grounds for getting debarred. I have no problem with attorneys who seek to clean up the profession; in fact, I think its great. However, maybe it's because I approach problem solving differently than the liberal arts wienies, that I would nip the problem in the ass from its roots instead of waiting for the problem to grow into a large three-headed monster. Law school is a game of who is better. Hence, the ranking system. This competition and pressure to do well creates the problems that the disciplinary offices seek to reduce. Why not just eliminate the ranking system and not hand out grades? Everyone would be in the top ten percent and no one would go insane. Some schools already do this, but then how do the large firms know who to offer those huge salaries to straight out of law school? I have a solution to solve that problem: Beer drinking marathon. It may sound counterintuitive, but the best attorney's that I've come to know can sure hold their own.

Is this billable?

1993!!! I'm about to reach 2000 hits according to my stat counter. Give yourself a pat on the back. It means that you have officially wasted too much time surfing my blog while you could be doing other things. If you only spent that much time performing your job duties at work, then maybe you'd get a better raise. I'm not saying that work is more exciting, but it may be more important. Nah, who in the hell am I kidding? It's probably more productive reading my blog. Now I wish I would have been posting regularly over the last month. That way I could take credit for you not meeting your October deadlines. We'll work on missing work deadlines next month. So stay tuned.

Move over G.I. Joe

You may wonder how this post ties into the whole law school thing. I guess it's mainly because politicians are generally lawyers and I feel like assessing the situation from a more humorous side of things. Other than that, no reason...just read.

Last night was another debate. As much as I dislike Obama and think he's a knob, McCain isn't exactly that much better. I'm sure I'll check the box next to McCain's name (in fact I know I will because I don't think Obama is worth the bird crap that accumulates on my windshield while I park under that oak tree in front of the law school...wow I can paint beautiful pictures with my words, eh?), but it's primarily because this year will end up being a party vote for me. If you're still straddling the fence on trying to determine who to vote for, then let me help you out.

Who do you think will be the better butt of the jokes on late night tv shows? Who would make a better action figure? Who will have a shorter term so that we can get someone worthwhile in office? I can go on and on with these stupid questions if need be, but I think you can make an informed decision based off the previous three questions. With that being said, let me answer the questions for you.

First and foremost, McCain will be in ICU for much of the 4 year term kicking back Viagra pills while he has his new pace maker installed. Then, what better than a hip gun-toting chick to lead the nation?

McCain will definitely make a better action figure...just think about the wild poses you could make with those funny arms. Go-Go Gadget, Stretch Armstrong, now it's simply the Major McCain Pain doll.

The first question is a bit tougher. Right now it's easier to crack jokes on McCain, but Obama won't be far behind once he starts banging hookers in the Oval Office.

The overall debate is pretty much over. It's obvious that McCain is only running so that when his arteries clog his estate can make a pretty good argument for why he should be the first president to be buried in the White House garden as a decorated war veteran. If you really think about it, his key motive is simply to prevent OWhackMyNaba from becoming president. Clinton used his White House bid to obtain free blow jobs, Bush Dos Equis wanted to drop bombs and become a better public speaker (I still support his brilliance that he passes along to us...as crazy as that may sound), and now it's basically a question of "Who's next and what benefit are you seeking?" With that being said, I wish I was of age to announce my presidential bid. My reasons are obvious...150K of law school debt needs to be paid off.

Channel blogspot

Okay, so I made another post tonight...not this one...the one below. Wow, I think this is like 3 in a row. I'm on a roll. I utilized my free time this evening by editing posts that I started in the past but never posted. In addition, I even created a few new posts that I will share in the near future. I have 5 posts awaiting "publication". I can't post them all at once, because then I'd have to develop new material. This gives me some breathing room. Hopefully the consecutive posting will keep you people off those porn sites and paying more attention to my nonsense. So if I start falling behind, just nudge me and I'll get back on it. I have several posts stored away in my arsenal. Stay tuned.

Pushing buttons makes a difference

I intended to post this blog a month or so ago but I apparently forgot to click the "Publish Post" button. It was just some random thoughts tossed together to form a post. Calling people names and all those other enjoyable things that I do behind the scenes:

I'm going to use this opportunity to discuss 1L's. I have the right to bash them now that I'm no longer one of them. They're douche bags. I was never a douche bag, but these ones are. Maybe I'm being too harsh. Okay, they're not really douche bags...I just couldn't think of a better term that was as entertaining without the negativity. They're just recent college grads with no real life experience under their belts. Me...I had already had a job. In addition, I had already used more than 9 lives prior to law school providing me some real-life experiences to expand upon (falling out of the back of the bus on the interstate, looking into the eyes of an 80-year old cracked out hag going down the wrong way on the interstate, and of course surviving my 21st birthday...just to name a select few).

After switching to the common law program, I now have a lot of classes with kids from other states. When these folks heard a hurricane was coming, they started to scramble and worry about what to do. Chill, grab a beer, air up an inner-tube, and use this opportunity to feel like you're at a water park. Even with my logic, there exists one flaw. Most water parks don't pose the risk of float-by shootings. Then again, most water slides don't trek through the ghetto either.

Now, you may be wondering why I randomly decided to call these folks names. Mainly it's because I have nothing better to do with my spare time. More importantly, however, is that it's amazing to listen to the level of maturity between these kids and the evening division. Sometimes while I sit in class and listen to these folks, I'm thinking to myself, "When in the world is the bell going ring? Don't we have a pep rally to go to?" It's really that bad. I'm not exaggerating. I know who screwed who, who called who a bad word, and who got sent to the principal's office. It's like watching a soap opera unfold right before my eyes. I'm beginning to think this is the Hollywood School of Law.

The moral of the post is (not that there really is one): It's better to no longer be a newbie.

Wheat and dope...the same thing?

For my Constitutional Law class (referred to as Con Law in the legal world, although I think the term "Con Law" should refer to case law used to fry child molesters and other criminals), I have a very liberal professor that may or may not have enjoyed toking back on a few doobies back in her day. One day during class we were discussing a recent case involving legalized prescriptions for medical use of marijuana in the state of California. The Supreme Court Justices referred to the substance by its scientific name: cannabis. The professor said, "So, how do the rights to regulate interstate commerce by Congress apply to this case involving 'Can-uh-beece'?" She said, "Did I say that right?" The knowledgeable chiefers in class said, "No. It's Can-uh-bis." She said, "I would of known that if I was your age." Well thanks, you just provided us a little insight into your younger college days.

On another note, the opinion delivered by the Court was quite interesting in how it came to the conclusion that Congress has the power to restrict the growth and manufacture of medical marijuana for personal uses since it has an impact on interstate commerce. The Constitution provides Congress with the power to enact legislation to regulate practices that affect interstate commerce (commerce among the many states). In general, Congress does not have the power to regulate commerce in a purely local sense...meaning that the individual States have the power regulate commerce within their own borders. Once something crosses a state line, however, Congress may step in (it's not that simple, but you get my drift). The Court reasoned that the federal government had an interest to regulate marijuana among the many states and in doing so the government may enact legislation intended to limit the effect of personal marijuana growth as it may have a substantial impact on interstate commerce. The primary interest that the government seeks to protect is to prevent the distribution of marijuana across state borders being that it's a Schedule I drug (maybe I have the classification wrong, but who cares) on the controlled substance list. Allowing many people to grow it in their own home would substantially affect the government's ability to regulate the distribution and use of marijuana.

Another interesting case that applies the same reasoning is an old case involving the production of wheat by individual farmers. Back in the day, Congress sought to limit the wheat production to keep the price of wheat from dwindling away. In doing so, Congress imposed limits on the amount of wheat an individual farmer could produce. The farmer involved in the case produced more than his fair share. He claimed that the additional wheat was for private consumption and to be used for seeding next year's crop in addition to a few other uses. The Supreme Court held that Congress had a right to regulate his additional growth of wheat for several reasons. One of the reasons was that his private consumption stash would need to be bought in commerce if he wasn't growing it.

I think the reasoning in the marijuana case is well-founded. Maybe I'm biased because I think pot-heads should find another past-time. On the other hand, I think the holding in the second case is a crock-of-b.s. I understand the reasoning, but why shouldn't a farmer be able to grow additional crops for home consumption and seeding for next year's crop?
Why should he have to purchase something that is completely legal and grown on his own land? In what other profession would one compare the production of marijuana to the production of wheat? I don't know much about wheat, but last time I checked, no one was smoking it at Woodstock.

Words that start with the letter "B" (non-profane that is)

At last...I'm back. Aren't you so excited? I am. I would make excuses for the lack of posting, but it's the same ole b.s. excuses that everyone comes up with. You know...beers, brauds, bratwursts, books, and...oh yeah, interviews. Let's just blame it on the interviews. The interview season is sort of slow. It's a long, pain-staking process in which I am still awaiting that crazy 7 figure offer to come along. Unfortunately, I don't see much hope in that, but what would life be if we couldn't dream? Some people believe in heroes, but I think believers-in-heroes are pansies that can't achieve their own goals. That's why I look to dreams. If you can't dream it, then how in the hell will you ever achieve it?<--Sorry for going off tangent a bit, but take my advice and wisdom while it's still free.

Back to the issue at hand (isn't that the introductory line to Snoop Dogg's verse in the Dre Day song?)...now that interviews are pretty much over, it's time to buckle down and get focused on my preparation for finals. I only have 1.5 months left until it's time to enter hibernation-mode (not the same as turbo-mode for those of you familiar with the various modes) at the library. Since I finally remembered to post something this evening, maybe I'll continue to do so.

One for the road

People keep whining, so I guess I'll start posting...tonight that is.