Condom arguments

I have a lot of crap to write about ranging from humping toads, computers taking over the world, silly church people arguing about the use of condoms, and Obama's claim to being part Irish. So which one do I talk about today? After flipping a four-sided coin, I've decided to discuss silly church people. It would be great to discuss Obama's heritage as a white man and watching toads frolic in the street, but I must refrain and save those topics for another day.

My reasons for discussing church folks is two-fold: (1) the four-sided coin ultimately determined my fate in this matter; and (2) I actually contemplated taking a Canon Law course in an attempt to becoming one step closer to graduation (then I realized what a stupid idea that was).

To justify posting this on my law school blog, I must come up with a law school reason. That reason is clearly stated in prong two of my reasons for discussing church folks. Now that I'm a broke, homeless bastard (I will gladly accept donations), I need to ensure my financial aid funds are available over the summer to pay the rent. In order to get financial aid for the summer, I'm required to take classes. Well that sucks, what are my options? There are only 3 options for classes offered on campus this summer. I've either taken the others or they won't help me graduate. One of those available courses is Canon Law. For those not in the know, Canon Law is the law as it relates to religion. I don't know much more about it than that. Mostly because I don't give a rat's ass about the law of the Church since the Church no longer rules the world. I assume the Church we speak of is the Catholic Church...after all, I'm in a Catholic law school...I highly doubt we'll be learning any of that Muslim or Baptist nonsense at this institution. After coming to my senses, I've pretty much set my mind on studying abroad over the summer. My ambition to study abroad does not stem from a desire to learn about other cultures and provide aid to dying apes in the Congo. It simply comes from the fact that I need financial aid to pay the rent. That simple. However, there is one thing that interests me about these other countries: what does the beer taste like over there?

Now that I've justified the existence of this post on a law school blog, time to discuss silly church people arguing about condoms. Apparently there is this brilliant (sarcasm? yes.) pastor out there that is concerned with AIDS and is criticizing the Catholic Church and the current Pope about their stance on the AIDS epidemic. First, this pastor is a complete idiot. Does he not realize that the Pope carries with him a cult following that will be quick to kick his ass for talking bad about their master? Second, he misconstrues the Pope's logic behind his stance on the use of condoms. The Pope says that abstinence is the only method to preventing AIDS and he is definitely correct. However, crazy pastor dude thinks that the Pope needs to come to his senses and realize that people don't wait for marriage and instead screw like rabbits. Where crazy pastor dude goes wrong is when he starts to question the Pope's stance on condoms. The whole reasoning for the Pope failing to endorse the use of condoms is because of religious beliefs. Think about it, once the Catholic Church accepts and endorses condoms, it basically sends the message to all priests and school children that fondling is okay in the community now. So my message to crazy pastor dude is, "Shut up. The Pope doesn't care about what you think. He doesn't care about what anyone thinks. He's the man. He flashes his wand and millions bow down. Get over it." Crazy pastor dude thinks that the Pope would be of great assistance by endorsing the use of condoms, but like I said...doing so would go against the Catholic belief that sex should only be used for procreation...it's not okay to partake in silly, sloppy, hot monkey sex.

I'm back...finally

It's been about a month since the last post. I kind of forgot about the blog. I'll blame that on the new kegerator and Mardi Gras. Apparently this year's Mardi Gras had the largest turnout in 20 years. At least that's what one of the local news' channels stated. 13 people were shot this year, yet only one died of combat wounds. Not too bad.

Now that I'm back in the swing of things with school, I'll get back to posting on a regular basis. So stay tuned.

Break

Mardi Gras and the new kegorater have me occupied til the festivities are over. I'll be sure to have great stories afterwards.

Tis the season!!!

Not Christmas, not New Year's, not the goat festival...the heart of Carnival season has arrived. The 2009 Mardi Gras parades start rolling through my neck of the woods beginning this Friday. It's that magical time of year where people from all around the world come together in my city to share beads, boobies, booze, and more. The great thing about Mardi Gras is that it is, in effect, our Spring Break for law school. I guess they assume we won't be completely sober for classes...which is probably a valid assumption. To kick the festivities off just right, I have a brand new keg-o-rater. That means my residence will act as the official bar (for my own consumption that is). I'm sure I'll have some interesting observations about this year's festivities as they kick into full gear. So stay tuned.

Chopping block

The Supreme Court recently handed down a case holding that a passenger in a vehicle can be frisked during a traffic stop provided that the officer has reasonable suspicion that the passenger could possibly be armed and dangerous. This could be good...this could be bad. I'm not a fan of the criminal mind, but at the same time I don't exactly trust law enforcement to the fullest extent either.

When I started typing this post, I was going to elaborate on my views of the outcome of the Supreme Court decision. I got too bored with the first paragraph, so onto my views of criminal punishment instead (much more exciting)...

You'll never catch me dealing with criminal law because, quite frankly, I support the idea that much harsher punishment should be available within our legal system. Sending folks to the Pen is a waste of time. I don't want to pay tax dollars to feed those that steal what I've earned. And screw the three-strike rule. I vote for the 10 strike rule...chop a finger off each time one of these convicts thieves an innocent person. By the time they're down to two thumbs, the ability to steal becomes non-existent. If they get busted running from the cops, eliminate a leg...that ought to slow them down. My 10 strike rule is obviously a little extreme and out of jest, but it does provide a solution to the overpopulation of penal institutions. After all, it only takes a handful of inmates to produce the yearly supply of license plates and roadside trash collection services.

People are too politically correct nowadays. What happened to the firing squads? The argument goes: they're people too, they have feelings and rights, blah, blah, blah. I support leveling the playing field just like Obama. However, my leveling begins with harsher punishment.

More randomness

I have failed the blogosphere once again. My lack of posting could be blamed on several things, but let's just cut to the chase. I've forgotten about any loyal readers that might exist. I don't feel bad about it, so no apology coming your way...

Here are some random thoughts that just popped in my head after overhearing some whining nag bitching to the cashier about her ex-husband while I was at a local store.

Let's discuss divorce attorneys, shall we? Or better yet, why I would never be a divorce attorney. To start with, I don't really believe in divorce. It's a contract. If you breach, you shall be tortured. If you screw up and enter into a bargain (or lack thereof) that fails to provide adequate results, then that's your fault. Do your research. Generally speaking, a divorce comes about due to a lack of knowledge on your part and the failure to exert the proper effort in obtaining said knowledge. I understand that there are extraordinary circumstances in which one may not foresee trouble up ahead, but that's a drift away from the norm. Hence, very few legitimate reasons exist to justify a divorce. Such reasons may include: your wife got knocked up by the mailman, your husband likes playing with pogo sticks as much as you do, your significant other is in prison for killing the kids, your significant other has other significant others, your kids are too ugly and you're looking to find a better specimen to improve the next batch, etc., etc. Even the previously mentioned examples are your own damn fault. Sorry, but the truth hurts.

I think of divorce attorneys as being on the same level as ambulance chasers and public defenders. Most likely they're in that field of law for a reason; namely, the inability to succeed in law school. Why would anyone want to deal with battered wives who used spatulas to sever the genitals that once pleased them? Why would anyone want to deal with husbands that got demoted to dish washer from burger chef after getting caught molesting the store manager's 16-year old daughter? It's a complete waste of time. Maybe I'm just not sincere. Maybe I think you should dig yourself out of your own hole. Who knows? The big issue with divorce is determining who gets what for having to put up with the other's crap. The only equitable solution to a divorce is a classical Wild West duel. If you don't come to the show shooting blanks, you just might take home the pot.

There is a reason that representing corporate clients is much more appealing. You don't have to deal with: "I thought I could shoot that old hag. She stepped on my property and violated the restraining order." Instead you're much more likely to deal with competent folks. Competent folks get divorces too, but that's just because prostitution is more affordable for the rich...<--another valid reason for divorce.

Organazational structuring

The porn industry is now asking the government for a $5 billion bailout. The movement is being headed by Larry Flynt and Joe Francis (publisher of Hustler and CEO of Girls Gone Wild, respectively). According to Flynt, the porn industry is hurting and therefore the health of the American people is going down the tubes. Flynt seems to think that we need sex more than vehicles and home loans. He must be living in some fantasy land. Where are people supposed to have sex if they can't obtain home loans? Last time I checked, public nudity gets you tossed into jail. Once in jail, you're subject to sex with Bubba (may not be the type you're into, but it's still sex, or so that's Flynt's mindset). Using Flynt's logic, it seems the lack of being able to obtain a home loan may be a good thing. Free sex at your local penal institution is not the type of sex that most Americans are looking for, but I guess it's the thought that counts. Thanks Flynt. You're a genius.

I tend to keep my blog tied to my experiences with law school and other related crap. Not that this has a whole lot to do with law school, but I'm taking a class involving corporate law this semester. Our professor tells us that we need to stay on top of current events involving the economy. So I thought, "Porn provides for a great economic discussion." And to my fellow Americans I say, "Whack it harder pal!"

Long weekend up ahead

On a not-so-uplifting note, Mr. Bush will be delivering his final words to the American public as the Commander in Chief tomorrow evening. Such a sad, sad day...and I say that not out of sarcasm. Although his speeches make my IQ drop five points each time I tune in, he did a lot for this country at a critical time. Bash him all you want, but anyone with half a monkey's ass worth of brains would realize that he doesn't make the United States tick day-to-day. That's the legislature. He doesn't pass laws that keep gays from marrying, he didn't cause to market to tumble, he didn't create Hurricane Katrina, he didn't tell the oil companies to jack up the price of gas, and he wasn't the first president to not give a damn about your phones being tapped. So pull your fingers out of your ass and quit whining about him. The day has come for you haters...his term is almost over. Mark my words however, as he will go down as a remarkable figure in presidential history primarily due to the way he handled the war. People weren't too fond of Reagan when he left office, but they sure as hell bow down to him now. I just hope Bush raises the middle finger to those that hate him and says, "Kiss this, you liberal sissies!"

Now, since I'm full of energy this evening, time for another topic...

For one of my classes, we read one of those famous Martin Luther King letters in celebration of the upcoming holiday. It seems a bit absurd to read such a document in a law school course since he wasn't exactly an attorney (not that he claimed to be) and it really has nothing to do with Contract law. Maybe something from Gandhi would be more sufficient (at least he had a law degree). It's funny how people in this world seem to think that the holiday is his day. For example, "No class on Monday due to Mr. King's holiday." Well, let's get this straight. It's only his holiday if he were here to celebrate it. Technically, it's simply a day of remembrance. If it was his holiday, then he'd be here to celebrate it. So in all actuality, it's my holiday because I'm the one doing the celebrating. For that matter, it's not even a celebration. It's a day off from school. If it were a celebration, we'd all be throwing down Cinco de Mayo style. Okay, so maybe I will be throwing down Cinco de Mayo style, but that's not because of the particular holiday. My reasons for tossing back the 12 oz. bottles of Jesus Juice on this day of recognition extend no further than the simple fact that I don't have to be at school that day.

Not to detract from Mr. King's contributions to the Civil Rights' movement, but shouldn't there be an Abraham Lincoln holiday as well (okay, so we do have a President's day, but I still have to go to school, so it doesn't count). Hell, he got shot too. Now, I'm not a history major, but I'm pretty sure he played a significant role in the Civil War (which was the start to the abolition of slavery, correct? Once again, I'm no history buff...history is for wienies with nothing better to do with their spare time.) and contrary to popular belief there is no truth to the accusation of Lincoln owning slaves. Maybe I just want an additional day off from school, but that's beside the point. From now on, I think we should create holidays for every time a famous person gets shot. That way my kids will earn a degree without ever stepping foot on a college campus. After all, isn't that the American dream...getting rich by doing nothing? Or do I possess an ill-conceived notion of what the true American dream really is?

Helping hand

Part of the law curriculum includes a pro bono requirement that essentially requires us to do free work which, if you think about it, makes little sense. Most of the pro bono opportunities consist of providing legal assistance to the needy. We haven't passed the bar yet, so it's kind of like awarding an engineering project involving the design and construction of the Golden Gate bridge to a group of welding and electrician students from vocational school. The bridge is doomed to fail. I'm sure our legal assistance won't be of much help either. But it is what it is...an opportunity to test our skills in a laboratory-like environment. A way to bypass part of the requirement is to take a Poverty Law course, so that's what I'm doing this semester. I'm not really sure why it's a requirement. It's great for those that desire to help those in need, but I don't really see much effort getting put into it by those that don't really have an interest in doing so. Engineers aren't required to design electric cars for the poor, investment bankers and stock brokers aren't required to give financial assistance to those that file for bankruptcy, and the NRA isn't required to teach hoodlums how to safely operate the trigger of a TEC-9. I'm not saying that I'm against helping the needy, but I have enough crap to worry about in law school. Save it for later and then maybe I'd be interested.

Back at it

Well folks, I'm back!!!!!!!! Don't blow your wad just yet...at least wait until you finish reading this post. School starts back up tomorrow. It marks the start of the second half of my law school fun. I had a month-long break that included Bourbon Street bar hopping, watching Tide fans mope around the French Quarter after getting tea-bagged by the Mormons, and of course a healthy dose of fried chicken. Oh, I forgot about showing off my elite skills in the sporting category...I kicked ass in some pool, avoided doing the splits at the bowling alley, made people whine over losing a game of darts, and of course schooled those that dared to challenge my video gaming prowess.

Tick, tock

On a vacation away from the blog til school starts back.

Forecast calls for calls for horse manure

See, see, I was right about global warming. Either that or it was a bunch bird droppings on the ground this morning. Luckily it will be back up in the 70's again this weekend. I'm not used to cold weather here in this city. I moved to New Orleans to get away from the snow. And what do you know, it followed me.

One more exam to go. I'll be stationed at one of the local pubs by this time tomorrow afternoon. Life as I know it will be back to normal. Today's exam was not that bad. Intellectual property rights. There weren't any good hypotheticals to share from the exam. After reading the case law in class, I figured the exam would be like reading a comic book. Cases ranged from Debbie Does Dallas getting sued by the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders Association, to trademarks for Old Glory Condoms, to hoo-hoo bong patents, etc. To my disappointment, the hypos were quite boring. Oh well.

My humor is lacking this afternoon, so I'll cut this post short. I think I'm going to opt for a quick nap before getting back to studying for that last final. Sweet dreams. Let me know what it feels like to enjoy the daylight.

Scratch paper

Before I catch a few ZzZz's during nappy-nap time, I have a few things to share about this morning's exam. It was Con Law...with the hippie professor. Most of us take our exams on a laptop, but some folks write in the Blue Books. Generally the professor will hand out extra Blue Books as scratch paper for those typing on the computer. Before handing out the exam, she made it a point to say that the people using laptops shouldn't be taking a full Blue Book to use as scratch paper. Instead we should rip out a few pages so that each Blue Book would accommodate 3-4 individuals. Silly me...I forgot that we're supposed to be hugging trees in our spare time. For me, that crap ranks right up there with global warming. The caveman survived the ice melting. I'm pretty sure 10 generations from now can handle a few extra puddles and a few extra degrees of heat. And even if global warming is such a big issue, I don't have any kids. What do I have to worry about? I'll be telling war stories with the man up above over a nice cup of Sake. What's next? Should we extend human rights to elephants and apes? If you're that worried about chopping down a few extra trees, then you're probably in the wrong profession. I suggest trying computer science. Then again, that may require too much electricity. I guess it's a lose-lose situation. The only thing that bothers me about the whole ordeal is that the exam consisted of one long hypothetical taking up 7 pages of paper. A smaller font, shorter hypo, and double-sided printing would have done the same trick as cutting back on the Blue Books.

Study break time

Since I'm in the middle of a study break, I figured I would share some of my humorous thoughts about Constitutional law. Con law primarily covers the judicial interpretation of the Constitution through the eyes of the 9 Supreme Court Justices (Scalia is my idol...his famous quote that I live by, "Well, that's my view, and it happens to be correct."). Issues in Con Law range from the home growth of medical marijuana for personal use, who has the right to keep and bear arms, discrimination (whether it be against race, gender, or general retards), and many other exciting topics. You don't have to memorize the Constitution to be successful in the class. You just have to know how to interpret and apply it to the case at hand...which I guess in some ways, that's close to having to memorize substantial parts of the Constitution. Nonetheless, memorization is not near as important as interpretation.

One of the big issues that just got handed down by the Supreme Court was the D.C. gun ban. Is it a violation of the 2nd Amendment right to bear arms? It was a 5-4 decision that basically leaves a somewhat comfortable feeling with gun toting rednecks...you can still have your guns, so don't get your panties in a wad just yet. I say just yet for a reason. It was a 5-4 decision. This means your dear President-elect may nominate some liberal wienie to the bench during his tenure as President. If that happens and another gun control case comes along, it's likely that your right to bear arms may be substantially affected. You wanted to level the playing field...well there you go...everyone will one day be required to fight with their fists. No more Uzi versus slingshot battles. Instead it's back to bare knuckles. A little ridiculous? Maybe, but I didn't vote for him...you did.

On a lighter note, another big issue is the medicinal usage of marijuana. If you love to smoke pot, then the liberal wienies taking over the bench may be a good thing for you. Get yourself a doctor's note and prepare to make your grand appearance at Woodstock '09. Don't get too excited though. I don't think LSD, crack, and meth have been proven useful in many medicinal applications...at least not yet.

Now how about discrimination and leveling the playing field for those disadvantaged in years past? Well, your tax dollar at work should prove to make the rich poorer and poor richer. Isn't that the reason you voted him in? So you could smooch off those that are successful and busted ass to get where they are? Take a back seat to government control sweetheart. Freedom? Hah, that's what you thought. Consider this your dream come true.

Ok, I'll back-pocket my political views for now. I'm sure I've stirred up a little emotion amongst those liberal whack-jobs. My apologies...well not really. I told you I can get a bit agitated and pissy during Finals' season.

Cream of the crop

3 finals left. After that, the pains of law school get put on the back burner for a month. I tend to get somewhat agitated and bitchy during these times. Toss in the stress, mix it with water and caffeine as opposed to beer, and out pops the not-so-fun version of me. I'd hate for someone to attempt to mug me in this roach infested city during these times, because I'd probably wind up with a few bullet wounds. Stress pumps me up. I already know that I'm the best. But stress...that just makes me realize my greatness even more. For any of those classy New Orleans thugs thinking of mugging me during these times, you will promptly receive a swift kick to the balls. If that doesn't do the trick, then expect a second kick. Get the point? Leave me the hell alone. Sorry, got a little excited there...back to the stress discussion. Pressure to perform is, hands down, the best feeling in the world. Maybe it's the soon-to-be attorney in me, but when I enter the examination room...I seek to destroy. After all, that's the whole concept of law school. It's not about whether you can perform well on an exam, it's about outperforming the competition. Those who are the creme de la creme get the lush big firm jobs. The ones at the bottom of the rankings become criminal defense and family law attorneys. There is no way in hell you will ever catch me drafting divorce papers or bailing out some reject from jail.

Ball busting

Fortunately this is the last week of finals. Unfortunately I still have a sub/cite article for the law journal that needs to be completed by the 15th. If I bust my balls, it can be done in just a few hours. But like I said, that's if I bust my balls. We all know that won't happen, because as soon as that last final is in the books, I'm off to the bar to erase any knowledge that I may have gained over the previous semester. The mind is sort of like a chalk board...what good is it if you can't erase mistakes?

For some reason, I picture Bourbon Street in my near future. I see myself carrying hand grenades, hurricanes, and jugs of Guinness...oh Joy! Maybe I'll get up on stage and karaoke me some Merle Haggard. Maybe I'll go shake my ass with the rest of the hippies at a zydeco punk bar. Maybe I'll go visit the palm readers and tell them they're full of crap. Maybe I'll join a Jazz band. Maybe I'll take a swim in the Mighty Mississippi. Maybe I'm just so damn excited that finals are about to be over. Maybe I should get back to studying before I resort to paradise prematurely.

Undergrads and libraries

For those of you that don't know, I prefer to bury myself in the corner of the undergraduate library while studying for Finals. It allows me to avoid the contagiousness of the law school stress that seems to float in the air at the law library. The undergraduates aren't any less mature than most law students...they just haven't learned the methods of studying at the bar with a beer. Actually, yes they are less mature and let me explain why.

I'm sitting in the library trying to push aside some of that engineering knowledge to fit in a few extra legalese terms. I start to smell something. Who in the hell has pizza delivered to the "Quiet, no food, no drinks." section of the library? Did someone forget to read the sign? Or are you still attempting to pass remedial literature? Actually, how in the hell does the pizza man sneak in that big red bag without being chased out by those bitchy librarians? Does the Bud man deliver kegs of beer? If so, I'm never leaving the library again.

I never saw the Bud man make a delivery there, but a few of the kids obviously stowed away some hooch somewhere. Either that, or the library is Chris Rock's new champagne room. Apparently the cool kids nowadays go to the library to practice baby-making. Or at least that's where they make a few dry runs. While I was sitting there trying to study, I look up and notice some random girl straddling a guy in a chair. Last time I checked, Bourbon Street was a couple miles down the road. If you want to participate in live sex shows, take your ass down to where all the other freaks hang out. I'm trying to study...dammit.

With that being said, Final #2 is officially in the books. 3 to go, and then we head to the bar. Yippee!!!

4 to go

I've been neglecting the blog world lately, but in my defense I've been quite the busy individual. Nothing really all that important, just the typical priorities in life...you know: studying, bar hopping, japanese whore houses, and bitching and moaning about random things. Other than that, life is still kicking along like a crack baby trying to bust his way out of the womb. I took my first final of the semester yesterday morning. Evidence...I was glad to get that one out of the way. I was beginning to get sick of reading about hearsay exceptions, intoxicated jurors, and retards. Final #2 is tomorrow. That's the fun one...prostitution and property rights! Oh the joys of law school.

Morality and property rights

Let me first lay down the disclaimer before you read this post. If you don't like prostitution and can't handle me discussing it (not that I condone prostitution, but it sure is fun to joke about), then come back tomorrow because this may offend your precious religious/moral beliefs. Ok then, for the rest of you...sounds like you may have spent a little (maybe not enough) time north of Vegas.

A discussion was sparked in class today over property rights in cord blood, a fetus, your kidney, your arm, your leg, your third leg, you name it. Are these things property? Can they be sold? I haven't checked E-bay, but I'm sure it's out there. Then another student in class said, "You should be able to do what you want with your body parts. They're your property." Then the professor took the topic into prostitution and discussed the property aspect of prostitution related acts. Is your body property? Can you sell it?

The reason why I bring all of this up is because I view things from a totally different perspective. Who gives a damn about property rights with regard to selling your body? I think its blown (yeah funny word when discussing prostitution, eh?) out of proportion by discussing the property rights. Prostitution is not about selling your body contrary to what most dimwits think. My view is that it's selling your services. It's no different than flipping burgers at McDonald's. Think about it. A prostitute provides pleasure to those that seek out the services. In return for the service, one fronts the money. When the service is rendered, the transaction is completed. How is that any different than a barber or chiropractor? Are barbers selling their bodies when cutting your hair? The hands become occupied and can do nothing else. So tell me how it's different. Is it because it requires no education to spread the legs? I think not. Is it because it's immoral? That's ridiculous. Don't let morals get in the way. Those are over rated. Get out there and make some money. If prostitution is your cup of tea, have at it.

Tickling your fancy

For those that know me, you're aware of my political aspirations. Yes, one day that White House will be mine. And yes, yes, we'll have keg parties with couch burning on the front lawn...don't worry, I don't forget where I come from. Some people have wild fantasies. Whether you enjoy frog gigging, poker, molesting sheep...it doesn't matter as long as it tickles your fancy. What tickles my fancy is power and fame. I was hoping to move into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue this winter, but it looks like Obama beat me to it. I guess I'll just have to work my way up chain. I was in search of a short cut, but it doesn't look like that will play out in my favor. I'm not sure what states had hanging chad issues this year, but it's definitely apparent since I didn't receive the majority vote.